


The Worst Laid Plans

by EachPeachPearPlum



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Crack, Episode: s04e09 Lancelot du Lac, Gen, Mocking of Terrible Plans, Spinelessness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-10-11 23:08:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20554187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EachPeachPearPlum/pseuds/EachPeachPearPlum
Summary: "So after you’ve resurrected one of Arthur’s knights sent him into a city of people who care for him deeply and had him attempt to seduce Arthur’s fiancée you’re going to bewitch her anyway,” Agravaine says quickly, without pausing for breath or including any kind of inflection that might suggest he intends it to be a question rather than yet another tiresome repetition. Then, even more quickly, he blurts, “And-you-don’t-think-this-plan-is-maybe-a-little-more-complicated-than-it-needs-to-be?”





	The Worst Laid Plans

**Author's Note:**

> So I was going to the story this episode should have been, with angsty, slow-burn, entirely consensual Lancelot/Guinevere. It was going to be long and lovely and they were going to live happily ever after. Alternatively, I was going to write the common-sense version of this episode, whereby Morgana enchants Gwen and one of the other knights to betray Arthur and uses the magic coin to bring back Morgause, in which case no one gets to live happily ever after.
> 
> Unfortunately, neither of those fics wanted to write themselves, so instead I present you with this short ridiculousness. Enjoy.
> 
> Peach x
> 
> (Title is a bastardisation of the well-known proverb, which is itself a bastardisation of a line from Burns' poem _To a Mouse_)

“Okay,” Agravaine says, when Morgana finishes explaining what they’re about to do. “I just want to be sure I’ve got this straight.”

In her mind, Morgana sighs, rolls her eyes, and reminds herself that the man is useful, even if he does have a ridiculous need to _understand_ her plans instead of just _following_ them. Externally, she offers him a faint smile and benevolently grants permission. “Very well.”

“Okay,” Agravaine repeats, answering her smile somewhat nervously. “So, you have what is literally a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to bring someone back from the dead, yes?”

“Yes…”

Perhaps it’s her tone, but Agravaine’s smile seems to grow a little more nervous. “And you’re using it to bring back one of your brother’s knights, right?”

“Right…”

“Then you’re sending him _back_ to Camelot, a place filled with people he gave his life to save, correct?”

Morgana is rapidly losing patience with this conversation. It’s the sort of insubordination Morgause would never have tolerated, but then Morgause always had rather more disposable minions than Morgana does; until she finds another spy in Arthur’s court, Morgana will just have to make do.

“Correct…”

“And then you intend to have him seduce Guinevere on the eve of her wedding to your brother in order to break Arthur’s heart and destabilise his kingdom, true?”

“True…”

Perhaps she could have Lancelot try recruit a replacement for Agravaine while he’s there, Morgana muses idly while she waits for the infatuated fool to pluck up the courage to ask his next question.

“And then you’re going to enchant Guinevere to give in to his seduction, I believe?”

This time, Morgana’s eye roll isn’t just internal. “You believe correctly,” she answers, arching one eyebrow at him in the hopes that he’ll apologise for wasting her time, since he quite clearly understands the plan just fine.

Apparently, her eyebrow is somewhat less effective than she’d have liked, because Agravaine does not immediately start begging for forgiveness. “So after you’ve resurrected one of Arthur’s knights sent him into a city of people who care for him deeply and had him attempt to seduce Arthur’s fiancée you’re going to bewitch her anyway,” he says quickly, without pausing for breath or including any kind of inflection that might suggest he intends it to be a question rather than yet another tiresome repetition. Then, even more quickly, he blurts, “And-you-don’t-think-this-plan-is-maybe-a-little-more-complicated-than-it-needs-to-be?”

At this point, Morgana’s ire rather gets the better of her; it’s one thing for her subject to request clarification of his instructions, but it’s another thing entirely for him to question the wisdom of said instructions.

Curling her hands around the armrests of her chair, Morgana rises to her feet, glaring down at her deeply infuriating ally. “Do you?” she asks, her tone as icy as the wind that blows down the chimney and into the room, extinguishing not only the fire but also all the candles, the room now lit only by the moonlight that makes its way through the dusty window above Morgana’s head.

Agravaine drops to his knees, cringing like the coward he is. “Of course not, Your Majesty,” he murmurs, his head lowered. “Please, forgive me.”

He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer, Morgana thinks to herself, but he does know how to apologise properly, once he finally realises he needs to do so. In light of that fact, she decides she can manage a little benevolence, at least until she can find a less annoying source of information.

Morgana allows the cold wind to fade to nothing, sending out a whisper of power to relight the candles and fireplace. She places a hand under Agravaine’s chin, which serves the double purpose of tilting his head up and offering him hope that his affections for her might one day be returned (as repulsive as she finds the idea, it’s proving almost as useful as intimidation is at keeping him in line).

“It’s already forgotten,” she says softly, offering him a gracious smile as he raises his down-turned eyes to hers. “Now, you should be getting back. We wouldn’t want my idiot of a brother to notice your absence, would we?”

“No, my queen,” he says, sounding appropriately grateful for her mercy. “Thank you, my queen.”

He dips his head again, probably the closest he can manage to a bow whilst still kneeling at her feet, and Morgana takes a step back, allowing him to stand up.

Agravaine casts one last, unpleasantly lingering look in her direction and, mercifully, departs.


End file.
